Fifty Shades of Grey

Are There Lesbians? No

What Happens?
Let’s call this for what it is – Twilight Fanfiction that made it big enough to become a movie. Only Edward is a creepy billionaire sadist called Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) instead of a creepy billionaire vampire, and Bella is a uni lit student named Ana (Dakota Johnson)instead of a high school student who hates sport. I don’t think I really need to explain it anymore than that.

The Verdict:
Oh god I can’t believe I’m reviewing this, let alone that I watched it. The GF and I thought it would at least be funny but… it really isn’t. Put bluntly this is a nothing film. The only reason I knew I was supposed to be feeling anything for anyone at any given time was because of the music, and yet all I could feel was a vast nothingness, which is, granted my usual state of being, but this was more nothing than usual. This film engendered exactly zero emotions in me. Everything was so intense and that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan actively hated each other was excruciatingly apparent in their total lack of chemistry. Fifty Shades (or as i like to call it, Fiddy Shades) was so dull that The GF spent most of it texting a friend and I spent most of it reading over her shoulder, that is, when we weren’t providing derisive running commentary.


(I mentioned that I would be so mad if The GF just ate some of my toast like that – she responded by reminding me that I constantly steal her food.)

Being based on an erotic book, and thus marketed similarly, Fifty Shades would have strongly benefitted from an R rating. As it was, the film wasn’t even particularly sexy and mostly, it was a bit creepy. While I can appreciate that it is bringing more people into the BDSM scene and making it more socially acceptable, it provides a viewpoint that is terrifying when it isn’t just being downright creepy. Christian’s childhood  abuse led to him becoming hypersexualised and really, he needs a good psychologist, not a “Red Room of Pain” or whatever it is he calls that tackily decorated sex room of his:

(I would like to personally thank whoever is responsible for implying Christian Grey is a Furry)

One thing I will give this film, however, is that Ana is shown to have a degree of autonomy she doesn’t really get in the books. She is portrayed as much more in control of herself and the situation, and appears to enjoy goading Christian to a certain extent, so yay for character development I guess?

On that note you also get to see a bit of peen as well as nip-nop (yes I am a literal 12 yr old) so y’know. There was lots of high-fiving and cheers over this semblance of exploitation equality.

Really all I can say for this film is that it’s shorter to watch it than to read the book.

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