Let’s call this for what it is – Twilight Fanfiction that made it big enough to become a movie. Only Edward is a creepy billionaire sadist called Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) instead of a creepy billionaire vampire, and Bella is a uni lit student named Ana (Dakota Johnson)instead of a high school student who hates sport. I don’t think I really need to explain it anymore than that.
Oh god I can’t believe I’m reviewing this, let alone that I watched it. The GF and I thought it would at least be funny but… it really isn’t. Put bluntly this is a nothing film. The only reason I knew I was supposed to be feeling anything for anyone at any given time was because of the music, and yet all I could feel was a vast nothingness, which is, granted my usual state of being, but this was more nothing than usual. This film engendered exactly zero emotions in me. Everything was so intense and that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan actively hated each other was excruciatingly apparent in their total lack of chemistry. Fifty Shades (or as i like to call it, Fiddy Shades) was so dull that The GF spent most of it texting a friend and I spent most of it reading over her shoulder, that is, when we weren’t providing derisive running commentary.